Man...Or Caveman?

I'm pissed off. This blog is being written mostly because I need to vent. I am EXTREMELY disappointed and offended by the way some men behave on Match.com. As far as I'm concerned, no one owes anyone anything on that website. If a man takes the time to email me, then I guess it's a nice gesture, but he is also emailing dozens of other women, and so he isn't exactly going out of his way by writing to me.

So, the scenario is, I'm a woman on Match and I receive an email from a man. I check the man out if his profile picture and email strikes my interest. If I am disinterested in what I see, I don't respond to the email. Right?? Simple!! I'm hardly going to write back and say "thanks for the email but I find your profile very off-putting so I'm declining your offer of a date." I just stay silent, and assume that the man will take my silence as a sign that I'm not interested and move on. And most do. BUT. A few -- my blood is boiling just thinking about these select "few" -- DO NOT GET THE HINT.

An idiot who calls himself Masterofallmen -- PUKE -- emailed me, I looked at his profile, and wasn't interested. Two and a half weeks later, he emailed with the subject line saying "Having fun yet?" and wrote in the email, "seriously now Celia, has the cat grabbed your tongue?" OH MY LORD I GOT SO ANGRY. How DARE he??? How rude! How patronizing! What, does he think I spend my time purposely not replying to men that I'm interested in because that's my idea of "having fun?" And asking me if the cat had gotten my tongue -- I'm a lady for goodness sake, you don't speak to a lady like that, especially if you're attempting to court her! Or, maybe I'm severely old-fashioned and this is how men are treating women these days. Well, not THIS woman. I was so mad, it took all my willpower not to email him a series of profanities. I didn't want to give him the satisfaction of a response.

I received an email from an Indian man. Now, my profile clearly states that I am attracted only to Caucasian men. I am not a racist (I'm a Chinese Jew, for goodness sake), but I cannot help who I am attracted to, and I'm afraid though I love people of all color, I only date white men. So, I didn't even look at this guy's profile. His follow-up email to me said, "I am not sure why you haven't responded. If you have never done this before, I can bet you are a bit apprehensive. I mean getting 50 mails a day from 65 year old men asking for a massage can be a bit scary. Or are you playing hard to get already? haha. Cute. :-) I think that works better once you have met in person! Who is teaching you these tricks?" This guy is even more patronizing than the last!!! "NEVER DONE THIS BEFORE???" I am a pro at Match dating! I know what I want! "PLAYING HARD TO GET ALREADY???" So if I appear disinterested, then of course I'm playing hard to get. This imbecile hasn't even considered that I have not responded because I have absolutely no interest in getting to know him. And, I ask you, what is the crime in that? I have found more and more that men's egos are so inflated that if I show even the smallest bit of doubt in my interest towards them, they get their little male knickers all into a twist and try to manipulate me by attempting to make me feel like a horrible, smaller person.

I can only imagine that men like these would be just awful to date. They'd try and make all my decisions for me, they'd disregard my opinion, they'd only listen to themselves and I'd be left with sore ears from their constant narcissistic conversation.

I am not a bad person. My dearest friends would tell you I'm quite the opposite. I am not a high-maintenance woman. My parents would disagree, but most other people would agree. I am a kick-ass girlfriend. My past boyfriends would assure you of that. But, though I try to always be extremely open-minded and give everyone the benefit of the doubt, once I am spoken to or treated with utter disrespect, my claws come out, and man do I want to scratch someone's eyes out right now. Preferably that Indian dude's. My pulse is racing from rage even as I type. The sad thing is, I am completely losing my faith in men, and I really don't want to. But the more I'm on the receiving end of sexual jeers, manipulative words, and selfish actions, the more I roll my eyes when a man so much as looks at me. They all piss me off! And I don't want to end up rolling my eyes at someone whose intentions are good.

Just to digress a little before ending this rant -- I don't think it's in my imagination that men are becoming ruder. I was in the elevator the other day, and a man who was standing in the back pushed his way out before giving the people in the front a chance to get out. The one woman left in the elevator with me looked at me in shock and said "did you see that? Men are getting ruder and ruder these days!" I notice it when a man gets on the subway before letting me on first, and when a man walks through a door and doesn't hold it open for me, and in ridiculous Match.com emails! Please, let this not spark that old debate about how if women want to be treated equally, we can't expect special treatment, etc etc. Yes, women have our share of flaws, too. But, just as I think it's nice when a lady acts with a good female etiquette in public, it's nice when a man is chivalrous. Or at least respectful to other human beings!

I think I've said all I can on the subject. Really, I could talk about this for days (and have). So, I'll put it to rest now and thank my lucky stars that I'm a decent woman who always treats others with respect, and if I encounter people who are not that way inclined, then it's just not my battle to fight. Which is a bit of a shame, cause she's feisty when she's riled!!!

copyright (c) 2010-2011 Celia Mei Rubin

Matchmaker, Matchmaker: Diary of a Single Woman on Match.com

Finding myself newly single at the beginning of 2010, I did something I never ever thought I would do -- I threw myself into the jaws of internet dating and joined match.com! Since then, I've become so apt at this whole dating thing, I feel like I can actually call myself a professional dater. Of course, it was only a matter of time before I turned my professional dating experience into a blog! Enjoy!

Having been a "match user' for a couple of months, I am pleased to report that this internet dating thing is not the sleezy, creepy world that it is sometimes perceived to be. I think everything is what you make it. Yes, I have been contacted by men who are obviously looking for that proverbial roll in that proverbial hay. But, I can almost tell now who has a decency about them and who has "moron" attached to their foreheads. Regardless of how my match.com experience ultimately pans out, if nothing else, it has been a fascinating study of human nature -- Not only have I learned alot about myself the "dater" (what I like, what I don't like) but I have also learned more about that not-so-mysterious race -- MEN!

People ask me -- "How can you tell a decent guy from a moron?" You know what? You CAN, and it is so so so EASY. Men on match.com fall into 3 categories -- 1. The Quick Fix. 2. -- The Alpha. 3. -- The Desperate Soul. Using emails that I have gotten from various men, I will now detail why and how it is so easy to know what sort of man you are dealing with just from a single email.

1. The Quick Fix.
These men are really just looking for something easy, and probably something fast. This is obvious when an email is so generic, you can tell that the guy has just copied, pasted, and sent the same message to a bunch of different women. For example, here's an email that I received:

"Hi. My name is [blank]. I like your profile. Please look at mine...what is your name? It would be nice to talk and make a plan to meet."

Um, would it, [blank]? Would it be nice? I mean, is it even possible to get more generic? First of all, he says he likes my profile. WHAT specifically does he like? Has he even read it??? Of course not! You know how I know for sure? Because my username on my profile is CeliaMei, and had he actually looked at my profile, he would not have subsequently asked me what my name is! These "quick fix" guys can't be bothered to even read a woman's profile. They must just go from profile to profile with a click, look at the pictures for half a minute, then click "send" with their ready-to-go copied and pasted "one size fits all" message. If it is obvious that a man hasn't taken even 5 minutes to look at my profile, or even 5 minutes to create an email specific to me, WHY would I waste my time contacting them???

2. The Alpha
The Alphas are so obsessed with themselves and what THEY want, they neglect to entertain the idea that maybe they are not actually what THE WOMAN wants. I was contacted by a man who calls himself Salsaseekschips (really), who asked me out for a "glass of vino," and I didn't respond to him. He was far older than my cut-off age (33) and not enticing to me in the slightest. And, I think asking someone out via a first email is tacky. He then sends me a second email:

"Did you get my email? I am usually a good judge of character, so if you're willing to risk a little (it is only a glass of wine after all) please write back."

Risk what, Mr. Salsaseekschips? That I might have to endure the company of an arrogant old man for a couple of hours? I think not.

Another "Alpha" email:

This email was titled "Someone said you were looking for me..." and the message said, "You're really hot. I know all about being hot and most women are intimidated by my looks, so it's hard to talk to them without scaring them off. I hope you'll be brave enough."

BRAVE ENOUGH??? I looked at this guy's profile, and he is absolutely deluded. he is old and unattractive, and the cockiness with which he writes is such a turn-off. I like an Alpha-male, but not one who is a self-obsessed chauvinist.

3. The Desperate Soul
Desperation appears in many forms. On match.com, when a man will say anything to impress a woman, it reeks of desperation. How about:

"What is your first name? really Celia or Mei (Chinese for beautiful)?"

Ahhhhhhhh!! It still makes me cringe. This same man also included a link to his photos on flickr and his email address. Why, after receiving one email from him, would I look through his entire photo album or contact him via his regular email address? What about letting things take their natural course instead of rushing everything?

A man calling himself Firstsmooch (!!!!) wrote this:

"I moved from germany to NYC a year ago and working in research, wanna explore the city and spend good times with my date while I am cooking her a yummy dinner and watching a movie and cuddling with her. On the weekends we go for a walk in Central Park and eat out and dance into the night or go for a movie. Interested?"

Well...I wonder if Firstsmooch would like to know what sort of food his date likes before he offers to cook for her. And doesn't he want to meet her before deciding to cuddle with her? As for dancing into the night, if he means dancing at a club until 3am, that's really not my scene. So, maybe it would have been better for this desperate man to email with a woman, then subsequently meet her, then subsequently date her before deciding that they were ready to eat, cuddle and dance together. He is probably lovely, but just clueless as to how a woman thinks when it comes to good old-fashioned dating. Ah, me.

Which brings me to the actual "dating" part. What I haven't included in this blog are the many really great emails that I have received, and there are certainly alot of really intelligent, witty, interesting men on match.com, some of whose emails to me have led to dates with me. I have had lovely match.com dates and awkward match.com dates, but I am happy to report that my experiences have been more lovely than awkward. In fact, I have been dating a match.com man for over a month now. Is it serious? No. Do we have a good time together? Yes. Am I still "single?" Of course!

So has match.com been a success? I would say that, given that I've met even one awesome guy who I enjoy spending time with, it has absolutely been a success, and I recommend joining match.com without hesitation to all you singles out there. As for my continued "single" status -- as I was saying to a dear friend the other night -- there's no better time to be single than NYC in the springtime! On to the next date!

copyright (c) 2010-2011 Celia Mei Rubin