I recently updated my blog at www.celiameirubin.com (which is temporarily down due to domain issues, but we should be back up and running in a day or so, please check it out), and it reminded me that I haven't written a note on here in a very long time. With everyone in London wanting to know what I have been getting up to since I moved to NYC, I am inspired to write another one of my musings.
I'm going to start by quoting a couple of my dearest, Robyn North, and Jo Kirkland, who both gave me beautiful diaries as leaving presents in which I could write all the exciting things that I would experience in my time of change. (Jo has also been saying for awhile now that one day I should publish my memoirs with all these notes that I write on here. Memoirs of a Chinese-Jew is most definitely a future project!) Both ladies had left a beautiful inscription in the front cover.
Robyn wrote, "I will miss you, but I will always be inspired by how it wouldn't occur to you to do anything other than follow your heart."
Jo wrote, "I hate seeing you leave, but I love watching you LIVE!"
Don't I have such eloquent friends? Now, in all honesty, those diaries haven't been opened since I landed in NY, until tonight, when I decided to take a bit of "me" time and muse and reflect and share. Re-reading those inscriptions made me glow ever so slightly, as I thought back on a few months ago, when the notion of moving by myself away from home was completely daunting and frightening, and yet something I knew I had to do. Both Robyn and Jo hit the nail on the head (of course, as dear friends would) -- I couldn't not follow my heart even if I ripped it out of my soul and stomped on it, and I am certainly LIVING!!!! When I boarded the plane from London to New York, TERRIFIED (to add to the fear of going out on my own, I have a big phobia of flying), I took on a huge challenge that I had given myself. I am my own harshest critic, and though I take pride in what I do, I am not in the habit of congratulating myself. HOWEVER, I will say now that I am proud to be sitting here in my Chelsea apartment and looking out at the Empire State building. Though I'm still at the very beginning of my life's biggest challenge thus far, I haven't fallen flat on my face just yet, and that is something to be proud about. Hooray!
All I ever wanted to do was be on stage, so I have made a surprising self-discovery that, regardless of the fact that I am a struggling actress and not onstage, I am happy! When I was in England doing 8 shows a week for 5 years, I was always aware that there was something else more for me out there. The only time I was truly truly content was during the PARADE days -- those were, without a doubt, the happiest days of my life. Except for PARADE, however, nothing could relieve me from the feeling that I was missing out on something. Then I get to NYC, and am not doing what I'm "supposed" to be doing (8 shows a week), but in the past few months, I've had such wonderful experiences that I've had to stop, take it all in, and say to myself, "THIS is what I have been missing!" -- I have talked about sex with Alan Cumming, auditioned and gotten called back for Broadway shows, danced semi-naked for Broadway Bares, had my headshots taken at Lincoln Center (tomorrow I'm actually dancing at Lincoln Center's Alice Tully Hall!!!), seen Anne Hathaway and Audra Mcdonald in all their Shakespearian glory in Central Park, watched Chita Rivera strut her stuff 5 feet away from me at Birdland, sold chocolate to Susan Sarandon and Willem Dafoe, watched my friends perform in midtown venues (I get to perform in a great show in December!), gone on amazing dates, jogged past the Statue of Liberty, walked home from Midtown to the Upper West Side along Central Park West, EATEN REMARKABLE FOOD (this city has the best food on earth!), taken ballet class at Alvin Ailey, met Billy Porter, celebrated my birthday on the Hudson river.
Whew! So, guys, THAT'S what I've been up to. These things may sound inconsequential to most people, but they matter alot to me, and as someone who believes that we control our own happiness, if they matter to me, then that's all that counts. Yes, it's all still a novelty for me to be living here, but I just cannot imagine a day when I'm not blown away by the sight of the Statue of Liberty as I jog past it, or not being tremendously excited to dance at Lincoln Center. These really are the things all my dreams were made of, and every day, there is so much to smile about and be grateful for. My one regret is that I cannot share these experiences with everyone in London. I just want to pick up the phone every day and call people and say "GUESS WHAT????!!!!" But I am lucky to have great support from people an ocean away. Not even an ocean can keep us all apart!!!
As I began with quotes from friends, I will end with a quote from another of my dearest. Sally Whitehead gave me one of my most cherished gifts when I left London -- a personalised newspaper article about my big move. The headline said: "Celia, my little Chinese friend leaves London in pursuit of her true happiness in the Big Apple!" For now, I am happy, maybe not truly happy (does true happiness exist?), but if I was ever truly happy, I'd stop reaching for the stars, and I never ever want to stop reaching for the stars. Reaching for the stars brought me to this great city after all...
copyright (c) 2010-2011 Celia Mei Rubin
