As I am closing in on a year of living in NYC, I have been spending alot of time reflecting on this past year and asking myself if I have made achievements. But, to even answer that question, I had to then ask myself, "WHAT is an achievement, and HOW do you measure success?" Does the fact that I'm not on Broadway yet make me a failure? Or does the fact that I'm not on Broadway yet and I haven't packed my bags to flee back to everything that I know make me a success? Most of society measures achievement and success by monetary gain. The more money you make, the more successful you are. But, what if you're making alot of money and not happy? What if you're on a year's tour of WEST SIDE STORY and understudying the lead role and making alot of money and crying every week? When I look back on that period of my life and career with a more objective insight, I still believe that leaving the show was one of the best decisions I've ever made. So, if money and career success doesn't necessarily make you happy, HOW do you measure achievement?
I asked myself during my reflection: "Why did I move to NY, and what do I want to achieve?" Well, that's easy. I want to be on Broadway. That's it. That's all I really wanted. I don't even need to be featured or anything, I just want to make it into a Broadway show. Not too much to ask, right? But, a year after moving to NY, I'm not on Broadway. Dammit. "Failure," I say to myself. Big F-minus. But, hang on a second...I'm...happy. Like, really really really happy. I feel empowered. I feel in control. I feel like yelling "IT'S GOOD TO BE ALIVE!!!!" So...HOW, can I possibly be a failure??
I asked myself this over and over, and while I was doing so, heard a quote in a movie trailer -- "Life is about taking detours." And you know when something just clicks? I have been playing that idea over and over in my head for the past 2 weeks. I came to NY to be on Broadway. Full stop. One clear path that was arrow-straight. Then, kicking and screaming, I was forced to take detours from this path.
I met a man. WHAT??!! I didn't ask for that, I didn't want that, so how dare the Universe make our paths cross. Then that man broke my heart. DOUBLE WHAT??!! And so there I was, left with a shattered heart and still not on Broadway, probably because I spent too much time focusing on being happy with someone. How stupid of me, and of course I'm back at the beginning. BUT. WAIT. Since that whole ridiculous rigmarole, I have had this tiny little voice in my head saying again and again..."I wanna get married I wanna get married I wanna get married I wanna get married..." Ummmmmmmmmmm, when did THAT happen? I was NEVER going to get married. Never never never never. Then life threw me a road-block and I had to take a detour and I finally found my way back onto the path, and, oh my Lord, I can't wait to get married. This is MAJOR. I have learned so much about the kind of partner I would like to be and the kind of partner I would like to have. No settling! That's why my next beau only lasted 3 months before he got kicked to the curb! I have never dumped anyone in my life! Which means I'm learning. I'm learning alot. I guess that detour was worth it.
But, anyway, back to the path to Broadway. I took a couple of "survival" jobs to, you know, pay my rent and bills. "Just a means to an end," I thought. I didn't plan on meeting the most incredible people at Pure Dark, the chocolate shop that I work in. I was desperately searching for a support network here, then a few months into working at Pure dark, I realized that I had one. My colleagues are so funny, and talented, and generous, and we are from all walks of life, but together, we just fit. It's actually very beautiful. I work with artists from the Fashion Institute of Technology, and a couple of guys from the Culinary Institute of America, and a Jewish playwright; a mix of people who laugh together until sometimes we cry. Some of my happiest moments in the past year have been with my Pure Dark family. There was this time that I went out on a date after work and they all text me to ask how it was going and begged me to meet them after the date was over to share the details. So I met them and we drank and ate pizza and I told them that my date was awesome, and they were genuinely happy for me. Genuine -- not something I see in NYC often, but my friends at Pure Dark have it by the bucket-load. Once in awhile we even have Pure Dark outings, and we spent one night eating at St. Mark's place then going from frozen yogurt shops to ice cream shops and stuffing ourselves. Another outing brought us to Christopher St. Pier where we had a wonderful picnic complete with homemade pasta and macaroons! Ah, these are the moments for which I am joyous and grateful. I'll look back on this one day and say, "remember when I had to take a survival job, and it turned out to be the happiest job in NYC?" Our Pure Dark motto -- "I'm hanging out with chocolate; how bad could I possibly be?!" AMEN.
I also teach dance, and we just had our last class of the school semester. I can't tell you how much I beamed with pride at my girls when I watched them complete clean pirouettes. They started out the semester barely being able to hold the pirouette position without turning, and I must admit that I thought it was a hopeless battle. But, as a teacher, you don't give up on your kids, and you push them even when they complain, and then something amazing happens -- they start to improve and they start to believe in themselves and they manage to pirouette, much to their own joy! Okay, I admit it, this hasn't been a bad detour either. If I'd gone straight to Broadway, I would have never known my friends from Pure Dark, and I would not have been able to watch my kids succeed. I would not trade such things.
So, I'm still not on Broadway. But I'm still HERE. And I'm here with more confidence and more fire. Yet, I don't want to be someone who is so determined to "make it" that they forget to live. There is so much more to life than Broadway. I've cried until I ran out of toilet paper to wipe my tears and I've laughed until a little bit of wee came out. It's good to be alive! A lovely man said to me recently: "I have a crush on you because when you smile, you literally lift the spirit of the room." That's a pretty great thing to be able to do! I'm still smiling (and lifting the spirit of the room) though not sure if I'm back on the path or not. But, it doesn't matter. I'll take a detour. I'll take a hundred detours! Who knows what will be on the other side. My next detour won't be taken with me kicking and screaming; I'll be hopping and skipping!
copyright (c) 2010-2011 Celia Mei Rubin
No comments:
Post a Comment