Lessons to be Learned in a Blizzard

At around 10:30am yesterday morning, the predicted blizzard hit the East Coast. I hear that NYC usually shuts down at 6 inches of snow. This morning there are 20 inches coating the roads and the rooftops. However, it was business as usual last night in the SoHo area when I left work at 8pm. I don't know if any other parts of the city were shut down (I hear some shows were canceled) but as I walked two blocks to the subway, I saw many a retail worker closing up for the night. The two blocks from work to the subway were pretty treacherous and I naively thought to myself, "thank goodness I can get a $5 taxi back to my house when I get to Hoboken from the PATH train." When I exited the PATH train, my heart sank as I looked with despair at a couple of lone taxis that were stuck firmly in the snow. I looked towards the taxi ramp, and the snow was already a foot high; there were no taxis in sight. I panicked slightly as I wondered how I was going to make it home (the walk to and from the PATH is 20 mins on a nice dry day at a brisk pace). "Okay, I'll take the bus," I thought, and went looking for the bus ramp as I'd never taken the bus. I heard mutterings from people that the bus service had been suspended. There were a handful of people like myself standing outside the PATH station wondering how on earth we were going to get home. The only option for me was to walk. I literally had no other choice. And so, I set off on a 40 minute walk that would be one of the hardest and most terrifying experiences of my life.

This is what it feels like to walk in a blizzard: The wind is so strong that when it hits your face, it feels like your face is ablaze with fire. The continuous shock of it takes your breath away as you wait for the wind to cease, but of course the wind doesn't. Mother Nature plays by her own rules. Your legs are heavy from walking in snow that sometimes comes straight up to your knee; interestingly, your body does not feel the cold because it is working so hard to walk through the growing feet of snow as you push your weight against the wind. Your sight is taken almost completely away as the constant slap of wind and slow pierces your eyes and you struggle just to keep them open. In my case, I was wearing glasses, and as my face was generating so much heat from the effort of the walk, they kept fogging up and restricting my sight even more. The fear only grows as you realise that this is not going to stop. The wind, the snow, and the cold are not going to stop, and you are only a human being at the mercy of the blizzard's wrath. No matter how much you say to yourself, "please let this be over please let this be over, please let this be over," the blizzard doesn't give a damn about you. And on it goes. And on I went.

I stopped countless of times under storefronts and in doorways, and when I couldn't take it anymore, stopped in 3 open grocery stores on the way. At the first, I spoke to my cousin and my good friend Michelle who both offered me a place to stay in the city, which I declined because I was still unaware how difficult the rest of the walk would be. At the second, the man who worked there gave me a towel to dry my face, which was burning from the wind. He and his colleague looked at me with much apprehension. My face must have been tomato-red and I must have looked about to pass out. "Just breathe," one of them said. I went to the back and wiped away tears that for some reason I didn't want anyone to see. On my way out, two other men laughed at me while they jokingly wished me luck. At the third, I was two blocks away from home and willing myself to just get through the last stretch. During the walk thus far, I had images of my falling down and getting buried under snow, or of ringing a stranger's doorbell to ask for shelter, or of dialing 911 (not that a police car could get to me as the roads were so bad). I was scared that my face had severe windburn and I would fall sick when I got home. I was scared that I would end up with an ear infection. The few cars that were on the road were either stuck or moving incredibly slowly. No one in a car offered to help. I passed a handful of people on the way. A couple were taking shelter in a bus station and I saw one man trying to hitch-hike. Most restaurants were closed and all the shops were closed. It became a cruel game of "how many more steps do I have to take before I can find another doorway to take shelter in?" Before I left the 3rd grocery store, I gave myself a stern talking to. It was either burst into tears or walk the last two blocks home. I was not giving up (I had no choice) and headed back out holding two proverbial middle fingers up to the blizzard.

The moment I knew that I was going to be okay was when I saw my apartment building. As I approached it, a man standing in the doorway of the restaurant next door said something to me, and I shouted "I MADE IT HOME, I WALKED ALL THE WAY FROM THE PATH TRAN!!!!!" He couldn't believe it. If I didn't walk it, I wouldn't have believed it. I opened the main door, walked the 3 flights up to my apartment, went in, closed the door, the afforded myself one weakness: I sobbed. Loudly and with such vigor that I shook. I am still a little emotional as I think about that walk. It was one of the few times in my life when I have felt truly and utterly alone. Having only yourself to rely on when you fear for your safety is a scary thing. And therein lies the lesson I learned from the angry and uncompromising blizzard: when you encounter a very harrowing challenge at a time when you're truly alone, you have to dig inside to find your own strength because that is the only thing that will keep you from falling down and getting buried under the snow. I always knew I was strong, but last night I discovered another side to my inner strength, lying in a deeper place than I've ever had to search for before. So, I don't hate the blizzard for making me endure its wrath. I thank it for challenging me to find more pieces of myself that I am grateful I didn't lose in the snow.

For today and the next few days, let's enjoy the winter wonderland of the blizzard's creation. That's another old lesson: There is always good to be found in the bad, there is always beauty to be found in the ugly, and everything has a sparkly silver lining. Merry White Post-Christmas!

copyright (c) 2010-2011 Celia Mei Rubin