Summer Sunshine And All Its Secrets

July has been, for me, an uber fantastic month. I can’t really explain why or even know what it is that has made this so. I do know that, finally, after just over a year here in NYC, I truly feel like myself again. I walk through the city finding things that take my breath away at every hidden corner, and I have often caught myself smiling a little secretive smile, but I can never pinpoint the cause of that smile. Perhaps it is as simple as my being a summer girl. I adore the heat and the sun and the smell of freshly cut grass. Coming from London town, where 80% of the year is gloomy and drizzly, waking up to consistent sunshine is most certainly a novelty. “Sunshine on my shoulder…”

It’s taken me this long to reconnect with myself after my move. I have tried many times to explain to my nearest and dearest the rite of passage I have taken emotionally, but I cannot find a way to express just how much of a challenge moving from one culture to another is. ALONE. English is the only thing the Brits and the Yanks share. It came as a shock to the system, and I had no idea how to simply “be.“ I was constantly unsure and awkward. For months, I didn’t know where “I” had gone. It was as if the “me” whom I had gotten to know so well vanished as soon as I stepped onto the plane from London, and when I got to NY, I couldn’t find her anywhere. I spent months desperately trying to figure out why I was constantly sad, or anxious, or nervous. Months feeling completely alone and utterly different. Like everyone else in NY was moving to a tense 2/4 rhythm and I was still trying to catch up at a 3/4 waltz. Like I’d accidentally left the best parts of me on British soil, and my weakest parts, the sorts of personal flaws that everyone tries to hide, were on display for all to see. I missed the strong, fiercely ambitious and independent woman of my past.

This July, she resurfaced. She kind of snuck up on me, so quietly, that I had no idea she had come back. In-between jobs (the chocolate shop which I so affectionately refer to in my various blogs closed at the end of June, much to my dismay), left with a teaching job that doesn’t take up a lot of time, and waiting for my next exciting survival job to commence in August (I can’t wait to announce what I will be selling this time!), July should really have been merely an “interim” month; sorta there just because it happens to be part of the calendar. For me, it was looking bleak and dull. Although it wasn’t. No, not bleak and dull at all. Out came the sun, and washed out all the rain! And the strong, fiercely ambitious and independent woman of my past climbed up that spout of confidence and gratitude and love again! She’s so coy, she took me completely by surprise. I was simply walking along one day, and realized that I felt something I hadn’t felt in awhile. I felt that old feeling of being “me.”

Happiness happened again. The sort of happiness that creeps up on you from somewhere you never thought to look. A remarkable book that keeps you up until 3am because you can’t force yourself to put it down. A 3 hour walk in the glistening sunshine with detours for ice-cream and a browse of Barnes and Noble. A jog through Central Park on a blistering hot day. Walking out of a final audition for a Broadway show and believing that, no matter what happens, you danced with all your soul. A stranger politely saying “you have a beautiful smile.” A movie that hits you right in the heart as you fall in love with the leading man (Joseph Gordon-Levitt makes me blush). A conversation with your best friend that reminds you of how hard you can laugh. All good things. All GREAT things. All great things that make me smile my secretive smile. Are you in the habit of unknowingly smiling your own secretive smile? When I catch myself doing it, I might even let out a giggle -- so soft a giggle it is, only I am privy to it.

I want to tell you about the last time I smiled secretly. It only happened today. I was sitting on a park bench alone. Along came an older man, who asked if I minded him sitting on the other side of the bench. “Of course not,” I told him. We sat there in a pleasant silence for 10 minutes or so. Then a construction worker approached the bench and asked if I minded him sitting next to me. “Of course not,” I told him. “Do you want half of my sandwich?” he offered. “No thanks,” I laughed back. The three of us sat there in a pleasant silence. I, reading, the construction worker, chewing, and the old man, just sitting. Eventually the construction worker spoke: “you know, it’s really nice that you didn’t get up to walk away, because a lot of people have stereotypes of construction guys, they think we’re rude.” My reply: “well, I understand that stereotype, and if you’d been rude, I would have got up and left, but you haven’t been rude, so why would I?” We bantered a bit, and the old man joined in, and the banter got a little boisterous. Mid-boisterous banter, another construction worker came over, and motioned if he could sit on the other side of me, and I joked, “wow! I’m making a lot of friends today!” A rupture of laughter. Then back to pleasant silence. Old man, sitting. Construction worker, chewing. I, reading. Other construction worker, sitting as close to the edge of the bench as possible to give me ample room, chewing. Then ANOTHER construction worker came over, but as there was no more room on the bench, he chewed standing up. He struck up conversation with all of us, and there was polite chuckling. They recommended a place for me to grab lunch if I was hungry, and with that, I thanked them and got up to leave. “Guys, it’s been a pleasure,” I said. I meant it. I walked away with a bounce in my step…pretty sure that they were checking me out as I bounced away, but I didn’t care! We had shared a moment (well, half an hour) of genuine companionship, and as I walked away, I smiled secretly to myself and thanked the Universe for making happiness happen again. It’s good to be back.

copyright (c) 2010-2011 Celia Mei Rubin