Matchmaker, Matchmaker: Diary of a Single Woman on Match.com

Finding myself newly single at the beginning of 2010, I did something I never ever thought I would do -- I threw myself into the jaws of internet dating and joined match.com! Since then, I've become so apt at this whole dating thing, I feel like I can actually call myself a professional dater. Of course, it was only a matter of time before I turned my professional dating experience into a blog! Enjoy!

Having been a "match user' for a couple of months, I am pleased to report that this internet dating thing is not the sleezy, creepy world that it is sometimes perceived to be. I think everything is what you make it. Yes, I have been contacted by men who are obviously looking for that proverbial roll in that proverbial hay. But, I can almost tell now who has a decency about them and who has "moron" attached to their foreheads. Regardless of how my match.com experience ultimately pans out, if nothing else, it has been a fascinating study of human nature -- Not only have I learned alot about myself the "dater" (what I like, what I don't like) but I have also learned more about that not-so-mysterious race -- MEN!

People ask me -- "How can you tell a decent guy from a moron?" You know what? You CAN, and it is so so so EASY. Men on match.com fall into 3 categories -- 1. The Quick Fix. 2. -- The Alpha. 3. -- The Desperate Soul. Using emails that I have gotten from various men, I will now detail why and how it is so easy to know what sort of man you are dealing with just from a single email.

1. The Quick Fix.
These men are really just looking for something easy, and probably something fast. This is obvious when an email is so generic, you can tell that the guy has just copied, pasted, and sent the same message to a bunch of different women. For example, here's an email that I received:

"Hi. My name is [blank]. I like your profile. Please look at mine...what is your name? It would be nice to talk and make a plan to meet."

Um, would it, [blank]? Would it be nice? I mean, is it even possible to get more generic? First of all, he says he likes my profile. WHAT specifically does he like? Has he even read it??? Of course not! You know how I know for sure? Because my username on my profile is CeliaMei, and had he actually looked at my profile, he would not have subsequently asked me what my name is! These "quick fix" guys can't be bothered to even read a woman's profile. They must just go from profile to profile with a click, look at the pictures for half a minute, then click "send" with their ready-to-go copied and pasted "one size fits all" message. If it is obvious that a man hasn't taken even 5 minutes to look at my profile, or even 5 minutes to create an email specific to me, WHY would I waste my time contacting them???

2. The Alpha
The Alphas are so obsessed with themselves and what THEY want, they neglect to entertain the idea that maybe they are not actually what THE WOMAN wants. I was contacted by a man who calls himself Salsaseekschips (really), who asked me out for a "glass of vino," and I didn't respond to him. He was far older than my cut-off age (33) and not enticing to me in the slightest. And, I think asking someone out via a first email is tacky. He then sends me a second email:

"Did you get my email? I am usually a good judge of character, so if you're willing to risk a little (it is only a glass of wine after all) please write back."

Risk what, Mr. Salsaseekschips? That I might have to endure the company of an arrogant old man for a couple of hours? I think not.

Another "Alpha" email:

This email was titled "Someone said you were looking for me..." and the message said, "You're really hot. I know all about being hot and most women are intimidated by my looks, so it's hard to talk to them without scaring them off. I hope you'll be brave enough."

BRAVE ENOUGH??? I looked at this guy's profile, and he is absolutely deluded. he is old and unattractive, and the cockiness with which he writes is such a turn-off. I like an Alpha-male, but not one who is a self-obsessed chauvinist.

3. The Desperate Soul
Desperation appears in many forms. On match.com, when a man will say anything to impress a woman, it reeks of desperation. How about:

"What is your first name? really Celia or Mei (Chinese for beautiful)?"

Ahhhhhhhh!! It still makes me cringe. This same man also included a link to his photos on flickr and his email address. Why, after receiving one email from him, would I look through his entire photo album or contact him via his regular email address? What about letting things take their natural course instead of rushing everything?

A man calling himself Firstsmooch (!!!!) wrote this:

"I moved from germany to NYC a year ago and working in research, wanna explore the city and spend good times with my date while I am cooking her a yummy dinner and watching a movie and cuddling with her. On the weekends we go for a walk in Central Park and eat out and dance into the night or go for a movie. Interested?"

Well...I wonder if Firstsmooch would like to know what sort of food his date likes before he offers to cook for her. And doesn't he want to meet her before deciding to cuddle with her? As for dancing into the night, if he means dancing at a club until 3am, that's really not my scene. So, maybe it would have been better for this desperate man to email with a woman, then subsequently meet her, then subsequently date her before deciding that they were ready to eat, cuddle and dance together. He is probably lovely, but just clueless as to how a woman thinks when it comes to good old-fashioned dating. Ah, me.

Which brings me to the actual "dating" part. What I haven't included in this blog are the many really great emails that I have received, and there are certainly alot of really intelligent, witty, interesting men on match.com, some of whose emails to me have led to dates with me. I have had lovely match.com dates and awkward match.com dates, but I am happy to report that my experiences have been more lovely than awkward. In fact, I have been dating a match.com man for over a month now. Is it serious? No. Do we have a good time together? Yes. Am I still "single?" Of course!

So has match.com been a success? I would say that, given that I've met even one awesome guy who I enjoy spending time with, it has absolutely been a success, and I recommend joining match.com without hesitation to all you singles out there. As for my continued "single" status -- as I was saying to a dear friend the other night -- there's no better time to be single than NYC in the springtime! On to the next date!

copyright (c) 2010-2011 Celia Mei Rubin

Eating's Cheating: 3 Ways to a Flat Tummy

Disclaimer -- Fact: The author weighed 105lbs in June 2009. Fact: The author now weighs 93lbs in January 2010. What follows is NOT advocating weight loss or unhealthy eating habits, it is merely the author's observations about the life circumstances that have made HER tummy flatter and more toned, and should be read with a pinch of salt (even though salt is, in fact, bloating).

I have spent my life in ballet class, jogging outside and on the treadmill, doing regular bikram yoga, dancing 8 shows a week, and eating a balanced diet. You would think that all that would be enough to maintain a flat tummy. In my case, NOT SO. I have unwillingly lost 12lbs since moving to NYC 7 months ago, and, in my observations, this is due to 3 major factors OTHER than diet and exercise. So step aside, Atkins diet. Move your tush, Jenny Craig. CMR is about to spill the beans on 3 ways to getting a flat tummy.


1. MOVE ACROSS AN OCEAN BY YOURSELF
DO IT. It works. TRUST me -- 12lbs! I am poor, nervously anticipating booking my first NYC show ALL THE TIME, walking everywhere, and out of my comfort zone constantly. When you make a huge life-change, you experience FEAR, ANXIETY, HOPE, JOY, DESPAIR, and moving across an ocean by yourself means that the support network you usually have to help you face all of life's challenges is...well...across an ocean! Not right there in times of need. (I cannot let this moment go by without thanking my family and friends in London for indeed "being there" so unconditionally during my time of change). But, you know what I mean -- no one is THERE. To top it off, unless you're moving across an ocean to start a new job, you probably, like me, don't have enough money to eat properly. I'm certainly eating better now, but when my family came to NYC in August, they kept telling me I was too skinny, and I kept telling them it was because I didn't have time or money to eat properly. Setting up a life an ocean away from "home" was very scary, and I cried ALOT in the first couple of months, and was desperately lonely...of course I lost weight! I defy anyone to do it and NOT have a flat tummy as a result. Go on, try it! And let me know how it goes! No quitting after a few weeks, though!!


2. GET YOUR HEART BROKEN
This, unfortunately, is something I'm quite familiar with, and I'm always saying, "if you want to lose weight, just have your heart broken!" See, I'm the opposite of a comfort eater -- when I'm upset, stressed, or nervous, I lose all appetite. This is the reason I assumed why I always lose weight when I am heartbroken. However, a friend of mine told me after my most recent break-up that in such situations, the body effectively reacts with Fight or Flight Syndrome -- your organs shut down to enable more blood to flow to your muscles in order to "fight" or take "flight." FASCINATING! So I googled www.thebodysoulconnection, and here is their description of Fight or Flight Syndrome:

When our fight or flight response is activated, sequences of nerve cell firing occur and chemicals like adrenaline, noradrenaline and cortisol are released into our bloodstream. These patterns of nerve cell firing and chemical release cause our body to undergo a series of very dramatic changes. Our respiratory rate increases. Blood is shunted away from our digestive tract and directed into our muscles and limbs, which require extra energy and fuel for running and fighting. Our pupils dilate. Our awareness intensifies. Our sight sharpens. Our impulses quicken. Our perception of pain diminishes. Our immune system mobilizes with increased activation. We become prepared—physically and psychologically—for fight or flight. We scan and search our environment, "looking for the enemy."

As I read more, it became clear that "The Enemy" used to be the likes of saber-toothed tigers, but today, it can be something like sitting in traffic and being late for an appointment, being reprimanded by your boss, AUDITIONING, relationship issues, and a whole plethora of everyday circumstances that causes stress -- conscious or subconscious. We all know that stress may cause weight loss, but I always thought it was due to lack of eating...now I know that, in stressful situations, the body prepares us for battle to survive! How clever!!!

The question is: to be heartbroken with a fabulous flat tummy, or not to be heartbroken with a fabulous flat tummy?

Just a little aside about coping with heartache -- I picked up a book called "When Everything Changes, Change Everything" by Neale Donald Walsch. It is a WONDERFUL read that reminded me of my (indeed all of ours) amazing, unending capacity to love, ability to choose HOW to respond to change, and therefore be the master of my own peace and happiness, and awakened me even more to my soul and life's pure joy. I remembered WHAT I AM DOING HERE. I HIGHLY recommend it to anyone who may be dealing with, stress, grief, turmoil, or who just enjoys constantly being in touch with the deepest level of their soul. Spread the word of peace and love, my friends!!!!


3. DO NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES EAT
Controversial, VERY controversial, but true. Now, I have always been very active, always stayed away from too much carbs, always ate alot of fruits, veggies, and fiber. None of this ever made a difference. Yes, it helped me MAINTAIN my figure, but there was a time when I was dancing "Guys and Dolls" 8 times a week and running on the treadmill for 45 minutes 3 times a week, and I STILL stayed the same weight. I did a Bikram Yoga 30-day challenge where I practiced 30 days without stopping and sweated so much, I must have been sweating out pee by the end, and I STILL stayed the same weight. The times in my life that I have noticed my tummy change and get flatter are the moments like points 1. and 2. that I mention above, when I lose appetite due to stress and don't eat for a few days -- THAT'S when I see the difference. Please please please note that I am NOT an advocate of not eating (I took a ballet class recently after not eating properly for a week and was so weak that I started getting dizzy and seeing stars, so I took myself to have a big Chinese meal afterwards!), BUT if, in desperate times, like you're due on the red carpet in a week, or you are going to be a bridesmaid soon, or you have to dance semi-naked or nude onstage, the surest, quick-fire way of achieving a flat tummy is to not eat for a week. Maybe a piece of fruit and some cereal so you don't collapse, and always drink water! We are 80% water! While I was on "West Side Story," the cast developed a motto: "Eating's Cheating!" Just remember those words next time you reach for the cake 3 days before you stand in all your glorious nakedness in front of a packed house!


CONCLUSION
I believe all healthy minded people should choose to be happy and bigger than unhappy and smaller. I certainly would. However, I am admitting right now, that after my heart was broken a week ago, I woke up to a flat tummy 2 days later and was filled with a sick pleasure. I am from a world of ballerinas...we are who we are, and I do not judge myself for wanting a such a tummy. I will now attempt to maintain my 93lbs by healthy eating and healthy exercise. Life is good, life is love, life is richer because of good food and watching the seasons change when you jog, and dance classes and happy tummys!

copyright (c) 2010-2011 Celia Mei Rubin