1. Plunge poop blockage in the toilet.
FACT: NYC plumbing sucks. Yours Truly would like the audience to be reminded that I have worked the plunge technique to near-perfection, and can plunge a toilet in under 2 seconds.
2. Sweep Mouse poop off the kitchen floor.
And the kitchen counters. I'm not sure I'd make my maid do this even if I had a maid.
3. Sit next to a smelly homeless person in Grand Central
There's a couple of them that we can recognise. Sometimes they're digging through garbage; sometimes they're leaning against the wall: half-standing, half-sitting, whole-drunk; sometimes they're sitting next to me as I eat my lunch before boarding a train.
4. Walk through stench in Chinatown.
Ah, the fish that are still alive, their gills gasping for oxygen whilst laying over ice. Next to them, the lobsters wave their rubber-banded claws at passing white people whose mouths are agape in part amusement, part horror. The rows upon rows of weirdo herbs that must be part of the magical potions that the Asians drink to keep them wrinkle-free. I love me some Chinatown stench.
5. Pick up someone else's garbage that has been left illegally on the doorstep.
There are laws against putting garbage out in certain places at certain times. There are people that disregard this law. However, it doesn't matter who leaves the garbage out, it's the person who's doorstep the garbage is left on who will be fined. Cue gross action #5.
6. Eat out-of-date food.
Hey, when you're stretching the pennies, you'll eat anything that won't make you sick. If it smells good, it's fine! We may be conditioned to believe that eating certain things past their due date or if they're not cooked properly may be a health hazard. My roommate is convinced that, at some point during her travels in India, she ate human feces. And, hey, she's still here and a picture of great physical health!
7. Go two days without showering because the landlord has not fixed the broken boiler.
Picture this: It was the middle of winter in NYC and a tiny Chinese-Jew came home from a 10 hour shift to a freezing apartment. Eager to warm up, she checked the radiators: freezing. In a little panic, she checked the hot water: nothing. The boiler had broken in the morning and the landlord had been unable to fix it all day. He assured her that it would be fixed the next morning. Tiny Chinese-Jews don't take well to the cold, let alone freezing showers, so, having not showered since the prior evening, our tiny Chinese-Jew nonetheless went to bed without a shower. Wearing 4 layers of clothes, she lay in bed underneath 2 duvets unable to fall asleep due to her shivering. She prayed as she went to the shower in the morning that the boiler was fixed. However, it was 7am, so of course the boiler man hadn't yet arrived. She was so cold and exhausted from her night of shivering that she could not bring herself to even remove her 4 layers of clothes and went to work her next 10 hour shift without a shower. She prayed and prayed to return home to hot water that evening. Not many things make a tiny Chinese-Jew sick, but lack of sleep and feeling cold are 2 culprits, and she was being harassed by both. Thankfully, she DID return home to hot water, and as she stood under the soothing heat of her first shower in almost 2 days, she thanked the Shower Gods for the gifts of heat and hot water. The End.
8. Dodge huge rats.
NYC rats are HUGE, and their mission in life is to run up and down subway platforms to freak tourists out.
9. Catch and kill a mouse.
Or, in the case of many New-Yorkers, catch and kill mouse after mouse after mouse, but they just keep coming. It's actually quite sad. Rabies aside, the little things are really very cute and it breaks my heart to see them on the glue trap every time. I have a big admission to make: the reason I sweep mouse poop off the floor is because I'd rather let the mice live then catch and kill them. All the food is in the fridge in airtight containers. so as long as they are not getting into the food and only coming out at night when the house is asleep, then I'm happy to deal with their little poopies.
10. Ride a subway that smells of farts.
Seriously. WHY do people fart on the subway?? WHY????? It's gross, it's rude, and isn't it embarrassing?!
Got your own gross NYC experiences? Share and tell so that we may all revel in each other's grossness!
copyright (c) 2010-2011 Celia Mei Rubin
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